Round Yon Virgin

by Nancy Lucia Hoffman

 

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CHARACTERS

 

All are high school seniors.

 

KIRSTIN            17

LOUIS                18

DEVON              18

HARRY              18

MARLENA        18

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Time: present day, December, a week before Christmas

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Setting: a basement

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AT RISE: Christmastime. Night time. Snow outside. A dark basement in a suburban home, furnished with a couch, chairs, coffee table, etc. Christmas decorations are strung about. Storage cabinets and bins around the room.

 

A door from outside is stage left, with stairs leading down to it from the yard. Stairs leading up to the rest of the house are stage right. A closet large enough to walk into is under the stairs. There are two windows high on the back wall that look out onto the street. The basement is dark save for ambient light coming in from the street.

 

Sounds of people approaching the outside door. The door bursts open and four teenagers rush in. They are carrying two large objects hidden under blankets. They are simultaneously electrified and trying to be quiet.

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EVERYONE

(ad lib)

Holy shit!/Oh my God!/Quiet quiet!/Get the door!

 

They shut the door hurriedly but as softly as they can. As soon as they get the door closed they burst into laughter.

 

EVERYONE

(ad lib)

(ad lib: Sshhhhhh!! Okay, okay…)

 

They draw the flimsy curtains on the windows that look in from the ground. They turn on a string of Christmas lights to see by. There are three boys, HARRY, DEVON, and LOUIS, and one girl, KIRSTIN. They laugh again.

 

DEVON

Oh my God!! That was friggin nuts!

 

HARRY

It's so wrong, it's so wrong! I love it!

 

KIRSTIN runs upstairs, checks briefly, then comes back downstairs. She turns on more lights.

 

LOUIS

(to Kirstin)

They out?

 

KIRSTIN

Yup. They took my sister to her all-county concert, they'll be gone for a while.

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DEVON

I grabbed the biggest one. Go big or go home right?

 

They speak as they unwrap the figures. It is a wise man from a nativity scene. HARRY unwraps his object. It is a sheep. They laugh again.

 

HARRY

I totally thought you had a shepherd! That's why I grabbed this!

 

LOUIS

This makes no sense, I love it!

 

HARRY

Kirst, you failed girl, what the hell?!

 

KIRSTIN

I know, I know, I freaked out! I got there but I couldn't do it. I was there though! I was moral support. Wait, I was immoral support. I should have driven.

 

DEVON

Nooooo.

 

HARRY

Oh my god no, we'd still be doing like 5 miles an hour out there.

 

KIRSTIN

We wouldn't attract attention though!

 

HARRY

Uh, four teenagers driving like a granny?

 

LOUIS

Kirst you were like--

 

LOUIS acts out KIRSTIN running up to the nativity, balking, and running back. They all laugh.

 

KIRSTIN

I couldn't do it. I felt like we were breaking up a family. Dolls are real, you guys!

 

LOUIS

It's okay, it means you can still go to college if we get caught.

 

HARRY

Nobody's getting caught.

 

KIRSTIN

I don't know. I was totally abetting. Still am.

 

LOUIS

And anthropomorphizing.

 

KIRSTIN

SAT vocab!

 

LOUIS and KIRSTIN fist bump. HARRY assesses their purloined figures.

 

HARRY

This makes no sense! We have both succeeded and failed.

 

LOUIS

Wait, wait.

 

LOUIS finds a tablecloth and puts it on his head á la a shepherd.

 

DEVON

Yes!

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DEVON gets himself something to wear as a crown. KIRSTIN grabs a blanket to put on her head. THEY all jump in and create various nativity-esque tableaus. HARRY directs and photographs. (actors can ad lib along with the photo shoot.)

 

HARRY

Yes! Manger photo shoot. Make a tableau. Get the sheep in there.

 

LOUIS

Kirst, you're Mary.

 

LOUIS bundles something for KIRSTIN to hold like a baby. SHE kneels and holds the baby.

 

HARRY

Our good virgin, yes.

 

LOUIS

I'll be your man.

 

LOUIS kneels too.

 

DEVON + LOUIS + KIRSTIN

(ad lib)

No posting!/Do not put those up/Harry.

 

HARRY

Duh. These are for posterity.

 

DEVON

Do one like it's our new mix tape.

 

THEY hit a cool pose.

 

KIRSTIN

Harry, for real, don’t post on accident.

 

HARRY

I won't!

 

KIRSTIN

Oh my god, you guys, what are we going to do with these.

 

HARRY

We really should have a shepherd. Or at least a Mary or Joseph. Let's go back out.

 

LOUIS sits on the couch, pulls out his weed and starts to pack a pipe.

 

LOUIS

Nah.

 

DEVON

I'm good on theft for tonight.

 

DEVON props the Wise Man up so he can chill near the couch. DEVON sits too.

 

HARRY

C'mon, you guys!

 

LOUIS

Kirs, you mind if we smoke?

 

KIRSTIN

Um…

 

LOUIS

Do you have Febreeze? We can spray that like every two minutes and it totally works. I do it at home.

 

KIRSTIN

I don't know.

 

HARRY

Febreeze works. You know Sheila would kill me, right?

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LOUIS

You can be in charge of spraying.

 

KIRSTIN

Lemme look.

 

KIRSTIN rummages through a supply cupboard.

 

KIRSTIN

Maybe we can just leave them somewhere isolated then call the church and tell them where they are.

 

HARRY

No way.

 

KIRSTIN

(to Louis)

Can you just do it by the door?

 

LOUIS

Neighbors would see. And probably smell.

 

HARRY

It's still too basic. Nativity figures stolen. And then what? They…appear on the water tower! Or…in the Y pool. Did none of you retain the concept of thematic development? Mrs. Oakley is deeply disappointed in you.

 

KIRSTIN

Okay, here's some.

 

LOUIS

Woohoo!

 

KIRSTIN

Not too much, okay. I'll stuff something under the door too.

 

KIRSTIN runs up the stairs with a towel and muffles it. Comes back. SHE sprays Febreeze as needed throughout.

 

KIRSTIN

So group project is pretty much done for the night, I think.

 

DEVON

This was our AP History team-building exercise. The uh, Judeo-Christian influence on contemporary America.

 

KIRSTIN

Kind of the other way around.

 

DEVON

I can write that too.

 

LOUIS

Yeah, just put the slides in the opposite order.

 

LOUIS and DEV slap hands.

 

KIRSTIN

So what's our plan?

 

HARRY

Well we can't half do this. This is a classic Christmas prank, so rally for stage two, motherfuckers! Don't get too stoned.

 

DEVON

Dude, nah, we got a wise man and a sheep. That's unique. Let's chill with the wise man. Ask him some questions. Wise man, what's the meaning of life?

 

DEVON listens.

 

KIRSTIN

Let's watch Elf! I'll fix snacks. It'll be great.

 

DEVON

Wise man says it's chilling with friends.

 

LOUIS

Let's get high and eat snacks and watch a movie. That's a freaking plan.

 

HARRY

C'mon, we are on the verge of a prank the whole town will will hear about. Maybe even Buzzfeed, if we can come up with a good ending.

 

DEVON

Wise man, how can we tell Harry to not lead a life of crime?

 

HARRY

I'm not a criminal, I'm a prankster. A public artist.

 

LOUIS

A public artist. Dude, we are straight up thieves! Bandits. The Bandits of Lincoln High.

 

HARRY

Bandits. That's a good word. Gotta use that more. C'mon y'all, don't get complacent.

 

LOUIS

Complacent? We just tore up "Thou shalt not steal" …by stealing from a church. We are gonna be fucked in the afterlife. So let's get high.

 

DEVON

Yeah, God's gonna be like, "Take a lap," but a lap is like 8,000 miles long.

 

HARRY

We're not stealing, just borrowing them for project research.

 

KIRSTIN

Where are we going to leave them? It has to be isolated so we don't get busted.

 

DEVON

We'll leave them in a park or something, with a note on them. "Please return to St. Theresa's".

 

HARRY

Oh man, we should create "missing" flyers. "Have you seen this sheep?" Last spotted with a lost king from the Orient. Yes! I'm making them.

 

HARRY opens his phone.

 

KIRSTIN

This is like The Hangover: Christmas Edition.

 

HARRY

Oh my god, totally! Totally! Here, here.

 

HARRY tries to put the sheep in a bag on his front, like a baby carrier.

 

HARRY

I'm Zach Galifinakis.

 

DEVON

Oh shit, instead of Mike Tyson, we'll get some big-ass Santa chasing after us.

 

LOUIS

Or a big-ass priest.

 

DEVON, HARRY, KIRSTEN

(ad lib)

Ughh! Um, eww. Okay, no.

 

LOUIS

Nasty. Sorry.

 

HARRY

You know what we need to do? Start a King of the Road kind of thing, but with Christmas pranks. Like start three groups. And give each some tasks, and they all have a score, and we go and do them and video them, and there's a gamekeeper somewhere and they get all the video and see what we do and they decide the winner. We should totally do that next year.

 

DEVON

Yes. Yes. Done. Yes.

 

KIRSTIN

That makes my stomach hurt.

 

LOUIS

Girl, we're fine. Just chill.

 

KIRSTIN

I just feel bad. And worried.

 

HARRY

It's free publicity for the church. Get more people coming by. C'mon, they needed an upgrade anyhow. Look at the face on this wise man. "Sir, your eyeliner is a little fucked up."

 

LOUIS

Where do you friggin buy these things, anyhow? Is there a company that makes them?

 

DEVON

Good question.

 

DEVON gets on his phone.

 

KIRSTIN

We're treating Christmas like Halloween or something.

 

DEVON

You know what we could do?

 

HARRY

What?

 

DEVON

We should go and put these in another nativity. So there's four wise men.

 

LOUIS

Yes, good one.

 

HARRY

Oh, oh we can like superglue this sheep to another sheep somewhere and it will be a two-headed calf.

 

DEVON

You are twisted. We could also put a president mask on one of them, or all of them really.

 

HARRY

Yeah, the president, Vladimir Putin, and somebody else.

 

KIRSTIN

Um, nightmare. No, we do a blended gay family. Two Marys, two Josephs, and make one of the baby Jesus-es a girl. 

 

LOUIS

Jesulina!

 

KIRSTIN

Jesulina! I like that everyone shows up to see a baby. It's sweet.

 

DEVON'S phone pings.

 

--- end sample

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